nightmares

are you lost
drifting out there somewhere in a
smoggy city full of stars
i am grounded but falling
falling but not free

like an invalid i sleep imprisoned by mountains
of pillows and sheets
but try so hard to run in my dreams

i used to have nightmares where
terrified i would open my mouth to scream
but i couldn't make a sound and my feet would not budge and so i would be
stuck feet to floor
forced into facing my fear

of course this is life
too scared to scream too stuck to move

tonight i choose nightmares over
waiting
wondering at the words stuck in my throat
wondering if i waited long enough if
i could run

princess

christine weighs
three hundred pounds or
more
her hair is bleached blonde and
almost always unbrushed

her breasts hang like pendulums
stretching from chest to waist
her smile is padded by
bloated cheeks

christine loves tiaras and
sparkly ball gowns
she calls herself a princess as she
asks social workers for cigarettes

she tells me that her meds keep her feet
planted firmly on the ground
and i think i would be sad too

it seems wrong to take away the dreams of someone
who doesn't even have
a cigarette left to smoke.

girl

girl, eighteen
cut her hair off close to her head
she wears pyjamas all day
going back and forth from
coffee pot to bed

out of pyjamas she still looks sleepy
eyes lidded and half-closed
she is smirking or smiling
i can never
be sure

today she left in ripped fishnets and
jangling jewels
arms decorated with the
scars of anger she
took out on herself

i wonder what they take out on her
or where they take her out
do they buy her big macs or
packs of cigarettes?
do they call her girl, too?

labyrinth

old friends remind me of
old places the
black walls i used to climb
even in my sleep

before you came i was
clawing my way through
thickets of dark damp
smells followed me through the day

sad talk reminds me that
most days i am sad no longer
not climbing walls looking for
a way out of the labyrinth
the world has built for me

you are the clue, the ball of string
the tug that reminds me that
i can always turn a corner
find the light

your blue eyes are there
at the end of the day
your hand holding threads that
lead me to
the end of the maze

the old place

red walls are not a home not

paintings unhung hidden behind

beige couch and beige walls belying the

volatility of the dining room

your mother came and wanted

to show me how to clean

i was a mess and the mess around me

reminded me of who i was

now maybe i can hang curtains

open the window and hear the world outside

i don’t need finger tracks in dirt to

remember what day it is

i don’t need to sleep alone

to remind someone of

what i’m worth.

one

tell me a secret –

i say

and i can see you think i want to

crawl inside your skin

but being inside you –

that would mean not loving you

from the outside like i do

not whispering morning in your ear not

rubbing dreams into your back

sometimes i lie next to you and will my love into you

i want you to feel it

beating in your blood

but you just

sleep on.

i don’t want to be one

our differences like a dance step

our fighting like music

i want to be here, outside

knowing you from where i am

so i ask you to

tell me a secret

and i listen to all the things

you don’t say.

to my sister

you used to be so

soft and sweet

the mother that i didn’t have the

angel that i wanted

now you are all bone and

sharp angles the shadows in your eyes

your voice, no harp, harping

my hand caught in the cookie jar, again

you are shaking your finger at me

i try to remember when you would

hold me and sing me to sleep

when i was young

wet sand like something you could shape

i was sure i would do

anything

for your promises of always-love

but now i know your arms can

only stretch so wide and

sometimes we grow too big for the corners

carved out for us

now i am too large and lumbering for the

child-sized shape in your life

your ribs show through your chest now

skin translucent and your face angry red

and i wonder where we went wrong

when i became something better and you

began tasting poison

i used to think you held my hand

to cross the street because

you wanted to keep me safe

now i wonder if

by letting your fingers go

i have accidentally

set you adrift.

odysseus

heard the siren song pinned himself
back into the rocks a
wave and lightning bolts oh
sinners singing him
into the underworld

and you a sinner a son a song
tantalized and taken from me

father why couldn't you
be a man a beggar a warrior

odysseus took twenty-four books to get home
i read a million pages then
changed all the locks on the door

you have to wonder

you have to wonder
what would the moon think if she knew
what you were
in the light of day
she would surely laugh at your
socks in your shoes your
bags full of broken pens and receipts

at night you are an owl
oily feathers and shiny eyes
you sing lullabies to fathers and
talk plato in children's dreams
you catch stars in your beak as they
twinkle in the sky
putting the lights out
one by one by one

oh, but what would the moon think
if she knew
you never remember your dreams
anymore

untitled

i wish you could see the inside of my head
slashed with color or
filled with blurry waterlilies like
monet
all the dreams and wishes
all the fates i want to kiss
there are so many people out there
i could hold hands with
so many people i want to
help
up
but
where is the hand to hold me when i am
painted like an angry sky?
who will kiss my fate
smooth my hair back
put me to bed and tell me
everything will be
just fine?
i wish you could see the inside of my heart
beating faster every minute
until i wonder if i can live life
in slow motion

father

little you
hiding in closets and under chairs
hearing his voice
rising up and up and up
crashing like thunder
standing over you he looks like
zeus drunk off ambrosia
wild-eyed and red-cheeked
his flails and slashes
do you remember how it used to be?
even before he became a ghost he
haunted you
before you could speak your own words you
quoted your mother
told your dreams in poems
tried to forget about the god up on the mountain
waiting to send another lightning bolt your way.

i dream

i want to put my feet in puddles
wear a dress
go to spain

i imagine paddling boats with you
lying under the stars

nothing you say is ever enough
nothing you dream can be bigger than
the eyes i watch you with
while you sleep

stay

today it was rainy
clouds hiding sky
the night lasted all day

sometimes
i feel invisible like
i could crawl underneath my bed
and no one would find me
it makes me feel sixteen or
six again

i was never afraid of monsters
my nightmares were full of real people doing
the scary things that they do

i was afraid of the dark and
the taste of tears and
the way i could hold onto people
so tight
but they'd still manage to slip away

sometimes my love is so enormous
i wonder how i can still breathe
sometimes i can feel
my wanting
crushing me

lately i sleep holding on to a pillow
trying not to think too hard about
someone who will stay by my side.

run

pebbles in her mouth
rocks on her tongue
clicking teeth in your sleep like a
little bird
you sing all the songs her soul knows
move your feet to the thrumming
of her pulse
each tear is an
ocean for you
to explore
every footprint a
history to unearth
can you read the story in her pupils
can you hear the crying when she laughs
you never hold on too tight but
what if one day she
began to float and
was gone?

queen of the dirt

queen of the dirt i am
a brat covered in mud
spitting and hissing my
heels grinding flowers
back into the ground
i am draped
in velvet darkness
scars like constellations
easy to hate
naked i am a
whore and a venus
wild-eyed and star-studded
anger rising
a sun in the morning sky

ten things

one
i want to know your soul
two
i want to grow a garden
see dirt come to life
three
i want fat babies
a round belly
and your laughter
four
you and me
the kitchen table and
a bottle of wine
every weekend 'til we're old
five
pack a suitcase
take your hand and fly
see pyramids and mountains
make you a house
made of shells
six
is it too silly to say
white dress
green grass
confetti and a limousine
i don't care as long as
there are rings and poetry
seven
navigate a sea of tears
while you bail boats i'll
save drowning sails
lash them to the mast
show them the magic in
the mist
until they're strong enough to swim
eight
wrap myself in the
blanket that we've built a
shelter carved out of
conversations
dig myself out of
a hole of history
become all the things
i told you i would be
nine
flush the pills
down the toilet
and let the sun
take my face in both hands
sit through the dark nights
and wake up the next morning
dream of flying
and know that
the dream is really mine
ten
put my hands
on your hands
my lips against your lips
i will be loved
and, beloved,
my lifeline ends
where yours does
my heart
begins
with you.

home

i want to close the door behind us
sit quietly backs to wall
hide hide secrets from the outside

i want to grow flowers outside your window
put them on your pillow while you sleep

when i step into your arms it's so easy to see
i'm home

feet

sometimes i am just a
pair of feet
walking, running, stomping, storming
dancing dancing towards you
hand in crook of arm we gallop
towards sun and concrete
you stop for graffiti while i
stop for red lights
something about me is careful; i'm sorry
sometimes i flinch when
clouds move too quickly overhead
- you pull secrets from my hair
slip promises on my fingers -
can you kiss caution away?
some mornings i hear you sing and
put reason to bed when i rise.

untitled

ghosts and spirits whisper haunt me
stomp their feet and wave their hands
they are secrets, pure and simple
words tripped off tongues and danced into my dreams
call me an elephant, never forgets
slow and steady
mind like molasses
but i've got all these secrets bundled up inside
slipping out sleeves like magic tricks
you can see me, lips teeth tongue
opening wide with smiles like sounds
but i won't tell because truth is fiction
and lately i've been trying to
forget my dreams.

the water

in the water sinking i am
heavy like an anchor
stuck and solid heavy girl
carved into ancient ocean floor

in the water listening i have
a finger in each ear
child again i am hoping hoping
for angel's soapy sighs

i am floating floating
legs frogging fins seeking
i am searching, angel, anchor,
something to keep me afloat

daphne

legs roots sinking into the ground digging digging for soil
something sweet to drink eat wet sometimes you're
starving carving their sins into your bark
feet gnarled from reaching reaching toes curled under
hiding from the freeze
palms pink stamp lines like rings writing a story
a tell a tale an ache
just how long has it been since
someone split you open to see
all the rot inside

two

you say you like my body sway
you like the shape

dust sand off conch shells and hear the
roar
place rocks between our toes

i want you to feel the heat of the sun on your shoulders
feel the weight of our love
in your hands

save your life

Boy cries dripping eyes like
leaky ceilings
sleep-lined face turned to me singing about
salvation
I don't know how to replace your breath
I know how to beat
your heart
My life's been saved, repaved
depraved, degraved dug up and spit out
and laid down in the dirt with the
flowers and worms
Boy if you cried I wouldn't lie
it would be alright
Sometimes we all need to be
rocked like we are
dying and new.